ince destructive conflicts are often set off by struggles over perceived power, and
given that power is relational, power always is in a state of change. The only question is
how one goes about changing power. If you struggle with someone because "you won't
give in," you are trying to block their exercise of power-and they are probably doing the
same thing. The paradox is th at the more you struggle against someone, the less power you
will have with that person. From a both/and perspective, the more powerful we feel, the
more we are setting ourselves up for resistance from the other party. Put bluntly, power
against is usually eventually blocked and dimin ished. Boulding (1989) says it well: "Power
over human beings is very complex. Other human beings can answer back, fight back,
obey or disobey, argue and try to exercise power over us, wh ich a tree never does" (53).
We must recognize th at while we need to exercise appropriate power and influence, the
other person needs to exercise influence as well, so we might as well cooperate with each
other so we can both be effective. The both/and perspective assumes that you all want to
accomplish your goals and that you need each other to do th at. Since it is the other who
is blocking you (and you blocking him or her), integrative power moves beyond the tugof-
war and to a new plane of relationship.